1 and 8 couples experience infertility. Not only do they experience it, they experience it alone. We have been going to our fertility clinic for the past 6 months. The last 6 months have been filled with highs and filled with lows. I have been poked more then one should be poked. I’ve had multiple procedures that have left my body broken. But each time, I know it’s getting us closer to our future baby.
Today, I had another procedure which has left me “couch ridden” and it made me start thinking of why do people do this alone? A community is so important. It’s a beautiful thing to go through so much, for a family. Making a baby is a true miracle and women that get pregnant naturally are such an inspiration! But I also think the same for women that go through fertility treatments. They are warriors! Your hormones are a Magic Mountain roller coaster ride! It can be emotionally draining and giving up on this process has gone through my mind…I’m not going to lie. It’s tested my lack of control and patience. I have cried until my head hurt. I have and still feel like my body is giving up on me. I have felt alone. I have been utterly exhausted. Out of all these emotions, I have also felt gratitude. I feel gratitude to be able to talk about with others that may have not understood the process. It has also made me stronger in understanding my faith. My gratitude goes far. I’m thankful to even be in a position to pay for our treatment. Oh yeah, did I mention financial costs? This is expensive! Everything you do with IVF has a pretty price tag. One minute you think you have paid for everything, until they say you need more of A,B and C.
My goal is to be transparent about infertility. It’s not easy, and it’s not something that should be in silence either. Our journey is just one out of many. Many times I wonder if I am able to put light on this subject. Sharing my story is how I feel will help others in my small corner of the west coast. Just one person reading this would be all I needed.
So be kind, you never know what someone is going through. YOU are not alone sister or brother!
Wow, I’m 25! Wait, I mean 35! I’m sitting here wondering how my life has just flown by? Just a minute ago I was 21 in Vegas having my “first legal cocktail”. So many experiences and life lessons up to this point. To be 35 today marks a time of growth and reflection. I feel that this time of my life, my priorities have changed so much. I am now wanting to stay home and watch Family Feud, instead of going out for a drink. Isn’t that crazy? Also, I am realizing that money isn’t the priority. My happiness and fulfillment are the most important. Looking back I was driven by money and success. Of course I still want to do well, however I want to do well in a different aspect. That aspect leans more towards family and home.
My golly, I am now thinking of motherhood and the future babies I want! They say women have a biological clock. I got that clock two years ago. When we tried to make a baby, it didn’t come easy. At 35, I am here in the middle of an IVF cycle waiting for my soon to be bundle of joy. I never thought this would be my life, but I am so grateful it is! Let this year be the best year full of hormones, growth and another episode of Family Feud!
35 and FEELING ALIVE!
Well, here I am yet again with my thoughts on “what’s next”? My life is changing and feel a push to get out of my comfort zone. It is the most uncomfortable feeling and fear seems to creep in. When you look at my life on paper, it would pass a test. However, in reality I am not aligned with my heart. You may ask, “What does your heart have to do with this”? My heart has been a minimal focus for many years. My feelings have been suppressed by my corporate role that I have been doing for 15 years. It’s that left brain, right brain philosophy. I have been the analytical brain for many years of my life. Feelings were on the back burner. I can say that for many years it worked for me and I was able to keep up and become very successful. Now at 35 years old on September 12th, I am seeing my mind, body and soul has different priorities. I want to do something that aligns with my heart, rather than my mind.
Fear has shackled me from becoming what I want to be. My thoughts and my trust has been holding me back. I know by fitting my circle into a square for so long it will get exhausting and to be honest quite daunting. When I think of who I really want to be, I consistently allow fear to talk to me out of it. My career is an attachment that I need to let go and be more active to who I truly want to be. Risk is scary and I have always been someone to take the “safe route”. I have learned that I have complete control over my life and I know that if I don’t address my ideas, then the momentum will start slowing down. With fear comes knowledge and power. I can decide to be fearful and allow fear to keep my momentum in full force! What is the worst that can happen? One day I want to look back and say that I tried, even though fear was on my shoulders. If you look at all the entrepreneurs out there, they didn’t come from a perfect road. They had to fail, be vulnerable and fear the unknown. But it allowed them to live their dream and fear became a bestie. COME ON FEAR, let’s be BFF’s!
Many time I wear a mask of strength even when I am dying inside. My mind takes over and tells me to “suck it up sunshine” and deal with the task at hand. I have consistently kept up with this image for years. In reality I am an emotional wreck. I guess this explains where some of my anxiety comes from. I bottle a lot in and I sometimes take others burdens on as well. Not good.
Last Tuesday, shit got real! I got some devasting news about some testing my husband and I have been doing. A little back story about us is that we have been trying to have a baby. Nothing in our mind thought we would have any challenges in this arena. We are both super healthy and have everything in order. For the last year, we have been silently trying just waiting for that positive pregnancy test. Nothing. I started light heartedly going to the doctor for further information. In the process, I have been poked and prauded which all tests have been normal. Next adventure…. semen anaylasis. No biggie! Well, to my surprise it sure was a biggie. Test results=issues.
My mask is off. I can’t hide from this. As much as I know I need to be strong I have been torn up. Why us? We are more than capable in having a baby. This doesn’t happen to us! No way! But it has. Here we are trying to now tackle this next phase of our life.
Sh*% just got real….
Why do people shy away from what makes them happy? Lost in the hustle. As little or big the situation may be… it is what brings you light. Celebrate it! Too many times I hear women say “it’s not that big of a deal” when they accomplish something. What?!?! It is a BIG deal! We as human beings have to back each other up and be there for the party!
I’m guilty of it myself. I hide behind my celebrations. I shine it off like it’s not a big deal. But it really is a big deal if it makes me happy. It’s worthy of a celebration from myself and others in my circle. Life has a way to meter what a “big deal” is in life when it comes to happiness. Why does it have to be some big event? It’s as simple as, “I did yoga today and I ate less carbs”. Go Becca! Or, “I made it through the day without feeling anxious”. Now thats a celebration. Let’s pop some bubbly! The people that love you, I promise will celebrate with you no matter how big or small your celebration is. Anything that makes you celebrate life…. celebrate!
Start with the little things. No need to wait for the big events. If you do that you are taking away the moments that matter to you. Why wait? I will celebrate with you! Let me get my party outfit ready!
Oh to be anxious! I know the feeling all too well. I have felt anxiety at a very young age. I was scared for my mom to leave me! Most of you can understand this if you have anxiety. In my life I have coped with anxiety and I have struggled with not having the right tools. I am full of life, yet I would suppress my anxiety. I built a facade around me that has protected me. But it only has protected me for so long. Anxiety has its ways to come back in and creep in.
Here are a few ways that I deal with anxiety:
- “What If” vs. “What is”- Anxious thoughts are born from “What If”(Negative Thoughts). Many times we get into our brains and “What If” everything. What if I don’t pass this test? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I say it wrong? What if it all fails? I have learned that all of those questions are my anxiety talking. Instead, I ask “What is”? What is happening right now is that I am sitting here typing on computer and drinking some coffee. Very simple. Anxiety doesn’t live in the “What Is”. This helps me from the racing thoughts that I have due to my anxiety. I can now be aware of my thoughts and shut it down. It helps me at night when I am trying to sleep. I tend to overthink while I am in bed. I hate it! I switch it up and tell myself “What is right now, is that I am laying in my comfortable bed and I’m nice a comfortable. Done.. no more anxious thoughts.
- One word… “meditation”. The concept of meditation is very hard for an anxious person like myself, but boy does it work! I use an app. on my phone called “Headspace”. The founder Andy has the most soothing voice on earth. It takes 10 minutes in the morning to jump start my day. I do this every morning and zone out for 10 minutes. It helps me get out of my thoughts and in tune with my body and breathing. Calming your mind is crucial with anxious energy. Getting out of my thoughts helps me focus and feel grounded.
- Yoga, yoga and more yoga! I practice yoga at a studio and I stream online at a local studio. Yoga has taught me patience and has also kicked my ego to the curb. No ego in yoga! My anxiety would talk me out of going because I didn’t want to be doing these weird pretzel moves in front of people. Once I started going, I immediately zoned people out. Breathing in yoga helps bring you back to center, which in turn has helped my anxiety. The moment my mind wanders, I bring it back to the mat and my practice. Namaste!
- Planning your day and making sure you stick to your goals. Every morning allow some time to write down what you need to do. I don’t know about you, but my anxiety can make me crazy if I don’t have a plan. Creating a plan each day helps keep things aligned and it also doesn’t allow other anxious nonsense to add to your day. I create small goals for myself. For example, I plan my workday on what I want to get accomplished. I jot down a few items of priority and make those my work goals. On a personal level, I will do the same thing and make those my personal goals. I have come to realize I find fulfillment from that rather than running around like a chicken with my head cut off! Its the simple things. I want to work smarter….not harder.
- Create your center. Some days are busier than others and some are more stressful than others. I am in a busy environment, but I find a time each day to connect for just a moment with myself. I take a few deep breaths in and out and I focus on my body and not my mind. It helps me come back to center and I am able to clearly think. It amazes me when I do that. I go into it anxious and come out of it more grounded. At that point I can carry on with a calm energy and be more effective.
- JUST DO IT! I knew Nike was on to something! Instead of finding excuses on not doing something, I just do it. At times my anxiety talks me out of things. “I don’t want to go to the gym today, it will be too intimidating”, “I don’t want to go to that party, I don’t know anyone”. I just say, anxiety not today! I am going anyway! I try my best to overcome my fears as much a possible. What is the worst that will happen?
These are things that help me. I share them because I know what it’s like to have anxiety and you are not alone. Anxiety doesn’t define me, nor does it control my life. I control my life and I choose to find ways to overcome it. Not every day is perfect. Some days are better than others. But I am confident in knowing that I am surrounded by others that deal with this. We don’t talk about it like we should. It’s now time…
All of my life I have have been true to integrity and had a strong connection to my morals and values. I do the right thing based on my upbringing and have been given the tools along the way to add to my belt. This would be in work and my personal life. I am a firm believer in “Treat others how you would want to be treated”. My mom taught me to work hard and have confidence in anything I did. She was very big on, “Don’t be a follower, Be a Leader”. That is a tough one when you are young. The only thing you want is to be accepted. However, this was great advice that has been instilled in me. When did everything become a popularity contest?
I noticed in my work and personal life, people do things based on the popular vote if its good or bad. Why would someone follow something “bad” per say? They are followers and not leaders. It drives me crazy to see people go with the norm and step outside of their morals and values. STEP OUTSIDE THE BOX! THINK FOR YOURSELF! BE YOU is what I want to scream. What happened to being transparent and true to yourself? We are all so consumed with media and pressures that we start living almost mechanically. People also think showing emotions is a sign of weakness. What happened to showing your true self and let vulnerability create the human connection that is so important. We get lost in translation and it creates a divide. Don’t get me wrong, their is a time a place for everything. Creating your own path is not only self gratifying, but it creates your own unique spot in this world.
You see teens copying these reality stars on what is “pretty” or “cool” to society. We need to start teaching our youth about individuality and what makes someone pretty is not just the shell, it’s their integrity and morals and value that makes them BEAUTIFUL! Too many times you see that the ideals and priorities are focused on the shell of a person. What happen to being a good person and not being an ASSHOLE! Showing empathy, kindness, love and creating a human connection goes way further than anything else. Now, on the flip side it can also happen in the work environment. I see it in my office with the younger audience. They follow whats popular and don’t look at the integrity. They do this to feel accepted but they don’t look at the bigger picture. I have to consistently coach them in areas such as emotional intelligence, Treat others how you want to be treated, BE YOURSELF, NO drama (gossip), being a leader and not a follower, and staying in their lane and solely focus on their goals. You wonder how they were taught or maybe they just want to follow the crowd. Maybe they didn’t have parents that instilled this in them. The younger generation is caught up with social media chaos that feeds them CRAP! They are learning all wrong! Social media is teaching them the popularity contest to win the grand prize of…. losing your true honest self. NO THANK YOU! How many friends/followers they have has turned into a game….a popularity contest. Let me tell you, I would much rather have a small circle of quality people rather than a big circle of people for the quantity. Who’s winning here? It’s all about being liked and feeling validated. Self validation should be within yourself. Why have others do that for you? I can open a can of worms on this one!
Bottom line, you can love me or hate me. I will still be me. I don’t need to be favored by anyone because I know I do the right thing. Being liked is something I gain with trust and also what I put out I know I get back in. Karma! As long as I am kind, empathetic, genuine, and authentic I would hope my circle would grow with more people like that. The more the merrier. Popularity doesn’t matter in that territory. At that point you are true to yourself and you are giving back to this world. A world that can be so dark at times…shed some light!
OK…I’m off my soap box now! LOL!
BE YOU! YOU ARE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!